By assembling every combatant ever while introducing several newcomers, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate lets fans have their cake and eat it too. Yet somehow Nintendo still managed to blow it. The super-sized roster lacks a fair amount of the characters TRUE fans have been groveling for since forever. I’m talking about the players that surgically replaced their arms with GameCube controllers and have full back tattoos that read “Fox only. Final Destination”. You know, those people.
King K. Rool? As if anyone remembers him. Castlevania? That series died with Lords of Shadow 2. Dark Samus? Woo woo, edgelord alert! I already helped Bandai Namco by recommending fighters to include in Jump Force. This time, I’m here to stop Nintendo from screwing up the biggest Smash game ever. I present a totally serious list of long-requested fighters that would appease the core Smash Bros. fanbase.
You probably haven’t heard, but Waluigi will not be a playable fighter in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. Again. The reality is that Luigi’s purple-clad doppelganger should have appeared in Smash Bros. since the series’ inception. Yes, I’m aware that the first title predates Waluigi’s debut in the original Mario Tennis by over a year. But, I’m confident that someone at Nintendo had the character scribbled on a napkin somewhere during Smash 64’s development. Japan’s penchant for cleanliness likely caused this doodle to be disposed of before a designer could add Waluigi to the game. It’s been downhill for the franchise ever since.
The Wii U’s only worthwhile feature sadly went down with that console’s sinking ship. Time to raise it from the ocean. Only the most impassioned Nintendo fans spent the dough on a Wii U and they all loved Miiverse. How do you personify a social media platform? Beats me, but that’s Nintendo’s job to figure out, not mine. What I’m basically saying is, bring back Miiverse–but as a thing that can punch other things out of arenas.
The violet villain manages to fit all of the charisma of Wario into a string bean frame. If that doesn’t scream “best Smash character since Pichu”, I don’t know what does. Not to mention that he boasts a massive, passionate fanbase. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to see professional Smash players use Waluigi to win every EVO tournament forever. That’s how excellent of a fighter he would be.
Dennis Hopper’s King Koopa
Several characters now have identical “Echo” fighters attached to them (e.g. Samus and Dark Samus). As such, Bowser should include the option of playing as his live-action counterpart. True Nintendo faithful think the Super Mario Bros. movie isn’t completely irredeemable goomba crap. Hopper’s Koopa should largely retain Bowser’s move-set but with some tweaks. First, “Walk the Dinosaur” plays in the background NO MATTER WHAT. Second, his attack strength rises whenever he’s pitted against Donkey or Diddy Kong. Finally, his Final Smash transforms him into this weird thing. See you later, alligator.
I mean seriously, hasn’t Waluigi suffered enough? He loses tennis tournaments and kart races on the regular yet never complains. Okay, so he once threw a tantrum and drew some goofy eyeballs on a poster of Luigi. Antics like that, though, are what make him great! In fact, that could be one of his attacks. He draws new pairs of eyes on the Nintendo higher-ups. That way they can finally see every reason why Waluigi should be starring this blasted game.
That Dude from Devil’s Third
Devil’s Third is not a good video game. It did, however, release exclusively on a Nintendo console (Wii U if you’re somehow curious). Smash law dictates that the game is legally required to appear in an entry at some point. Best to do it here where the bald, tatted up Duke Nukem can easily be lost in the shuffle of dozens of good characters. He may stink but us real fans love when Nintendo makes deep cut references. Gashes don’t get much deeper than calling out a total flop of a game that appeared on a dud of a console.
Building off of my last point, can Ultimate be renamed it Waluigi Presents: Super Smash Bros. Ultimate? Hear me out, Nintendo. The game comes packaged in a luxurious purple case with that zany upside down L of his printed on the disc. Pre-order bundles could include Waluigi’s hat, virtually guaranteeing millions of copies sold before release. It just makes good marketing sense. Waluigi might not be a businessman, but he is the business, man!
It always seems that just when the creator of Smash is out, the fans (and maybe Nintendo stockholders as well) manage to rope him back in. Let’s go all the way this time and allow him to obliterate his own not-creations. The hardest of hardcore followers know that Sakurai would love nothing more than to destroy his own beast from within. This would be about as close as the tortured genius could get.
How does Daisy, a worthless princess who makes Birdo look like Solid freaking Snake, make the cut over Waluigi?! I don’t care if she’s only an Echo fighter; that’s just a load of poppycock. Excuse my language, but I am just so steamed about this snub.
Because Batman of course.
Hey Nintendo, did you know that purple might have been Prince’s favorite color? Honor one of the greatest artists of our time and put Waluigi into Super Smash Bros. Ultimate for God’s sake.
Got any stupid “hardcore” picks of your own? Share them in the comment below! Looking for more silliness? Check out my article telling Star Citizen players how to spend their money.